"The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it."

  - Henry David Thoreu

Pain. Thoughts.

"The self-lover is busy; he shouts and makes a big noise and stands on his rights in order to make sure he is not forgotten - and yet he is forgotten. But the one who loves, who forgets himself, is recollected by love."

- Søren Kierkegaard, Works of Love, ed. and trans.

Where am I?

What am I supposed to be learning about this confinement I’ve been subjected to? I’ve spent enough time alone to know that I don’t want to be alone anymore yet I am continually placed into circumstances in which I find only myself. God knows I love community and being around active cities. Why do I keep finding myself in sleepy towns – without my friends around? Even as I plan to move somewhere, I am pulled away as if conjoined to my despair shouting, “Don’t leave me!”

Sorry despair, I want to go. I’m done with you and your reminders of who I am. I am sick of myself. There I said it. I am sick and tired of me, myself, and, I. I am sick of talking to myself to keep from going insane. I am tired and warn out from tying keep myself entertained. I can’t do it anymore. Isn’t that someone else’s job?

God, why am I here?  Is this some kind of test because I feel as if I am now failing... I feel as if I am worse of today than I was yesterday. Shouldn’t I be growing and changing?

I guess there is nowhere else to go but up from here.

The cliche 4th of July post.

I study injustice, social change, poverty, sustainability – the good, the bad, and the ugly – on a daily basis. It is rare that I come across something in that sphere that is worthy to share (other than the things I produce – oh, like the video for the Koshe project. You remember that one don’t you?) Quite frankly, most of the things I uncover are simply too depressing to talk about.

But I think it is appropriate I came across this video today. The stark contrast between freedom and being a refugee is presented in this film as a reminder of my great blessings, but also that not everything has to be as bad it seems. There can be happiness in the ruins, in other’s mistakes, and in enduring the most disheartening of circumstances. What is happiness? It has been defined in this country by how many Apple products you own, how much press your indie-rock band gets, by paying off your student loans so you can finally take that hot chick out to that fancy restaurant Yelp followers have been raving about, the list goes on and on. But in reality it is so much more (or so much less, depending on the way you look it). I am mature enough to understand my happiness does not come from owning stuff or having it all together. Rather it comes from community, family, and (in essence) freedom.

I am reminded that even though I am free, my brothers and sisters all across the world are not. I admire the hope that this video embodies. These scenes in Africa are all so familiar to me. While I’ve only visited Africa (Kenya and Ethiopia) for a total of five months, I am given a little nostalgic reminder of the dirt, the jerry cans, and the plastic sandals. These images may seem exaggerated, but the truth is, that is the life of so many people. And yet, despite our standards for happiness, these people can also find joy. By no means am I saying this is a place to live. No one should be forced from their home. And that is where I come to my first point: Because I’ve been surrounded and saturated with facts about war, poverty, and refugees for years, I am uncertain if this is news to anyone. Do you know about this? There are civil wars going throughout most of East Africa and quite frankly, I don’t know what to do about it other than share what I learn and pray for peace.

“So often refugees are forgotten because the problem seems too overwhelming. Our intention was to have two worlds crashing together with the hopes that in the mash-up both worlds’ beauty would shine through in their purest form.”

 – filmmakers, Paola Mendoza and Topaz Adizes

I’d admire their efforts, and I would have to say: mission well accomplished, boys! This organization is doing fine work and I hope someday I can have the audacity to leave home and do something like this again. This video makes me want to go back to the field to help others, hands on. I want to create. I want to be with them, the hold them, to feel their pain, their joy. Is something wrong with me? But most importantly I want peace on earth. It’s what we hoped for in our nightly prayers as kids or the message we fashioned together with Elmer’s glue and food-colored macaroni stuck to paper plates for Christmas decorations in Mrs. Wiggin’s second grade class. But is it attainable? And at what age did I learn that there really wasn’t peace on Earth? Should I simply ask for that innocence back?

But today, I remember I am free. So to my fellow USAer's: Happy Independence Day, Ya’ll

the 18 on Judah

Last Wednesday you travelled alone. You where in new place. But what else was new? You had made the journey before, many times actually, except mostly on different continents and under much more pressing circumstances. This time you were lost to all sensibility but somehow, still, had a semi-conspired plan in mind. However, you had not planned very well. Or maybe the not planning was part of the plan. You forgot to figure out in what direction to go or how long you would need to get there, wherever there was. 

The place was cooler than you imagined it to be, especially in a district called Sunset. Though you never really imagined to be there at all. It was a place which felt more like Portland than any neighborhood in California. That day the sun was missing - instead, replaced by a dreary fog and a coldish breeze. You weren't quite sure in which direction you were headed. The most you gathered was that you would hit the beach by sun down. You had the idea to someday visit the Golden Gate and once on the tram, above ground, you spotted it, but in the distance - too far of a walk to make with your already blistered feet.

The shore was ahead of you, beyond the East horizon. Each bus stop which passed you thought, "I'll get off at the next one", but instead you chose to keep riding. You had a quiet thought, hope, or wish, perhaps, that he was there with you. But that wish quickly subsided. For in the company of anyone else you wouldn't be this still, this quite. Your thoughts would have gone to him instead of to those frigid, serene moments.

The bus topped the final hill to the coast as you spotted mounds of sand in the distance. To your right was a laundromat that reminded you of him, but just barely. To your left you saw two grungy, half-baked guys sitting outside of a coffee shop. Outside the door were two chic girls atop an over-sized piece of driftwood - the first sort of style you've seen in blocks. You shrug the thought that they did not belong there - that they simply sat in places like these in hopes of making a statement - away.

It was 1pm. You had yet to have had your morning coffee, and as it was on your list of things to do, you started toward the door. From the looks of it outside, you half suspected Nirvana to be on rotation, the flannel-clad barista even hinted to the scenario. Though "Silver" or even "Lithium" did not resonate in your ears that day, you were delighted, none-the-less, by the owner's southern drawl. He had relocated from North Carolina to California to take up surfing.

The blithe owner of that shammy, grungy coffee shop assured you that you were in the right place and on that day you decided that's where you wanted to be - that somehow your unplanned plan came to fruition.

Water from the Pacific.

today

Thoughts. Procrastination. Wanting. Learning. Becoming. Being.

My new addiction

In need of the perfect dress? Look no further. If you're like me, you have a plethora of clothing in your closet that has not been touched in, dare I say, years. It's time to re-vamp your wardrobe this summer. 

#1: Be in the perfect forest wedding

#2: Find that white dress you just have no use for

#3: Pick your color. I chose RIT this time, but you can also use food coloring, Kool-Aid, or for colored fabrics... bleach (but that's next week.)

#4: For cottons/natural fabric you will need 1 cup of salt and 2 gallons of hot water

#5: Dip your garb in the mixed dye/salt concoction

#6: Find big spoon/stick and stir. Keep stirring/agitating for a good 15-30 minutes

* The label said 30-60 minutes but I noticed my fabric getting SUPER dark and I didn't want emerald.

and..... Voilà!

hurt.

To My Fallen Homies

On days like these, there is nothing more I want to do than keep my family close. My brother keeps asking me, "Why are you here?" He's confused as to why I would choose he and the kids over my friends. It's because I've realized the importance of family... and because I have the cutest, most ridiculous nieces and nephew on the planet. When I was close to death in Kenya (that story for another day) all I wanted to do was to see my niece one last time. I wanted to make her laugh while doing my silly dances in the kitchen as we baked cupcakes together.

Friends can always walk away, but family is forever yours. Don't miss your chance. Seriously, I don't care how cheesy that sounds. When was the last time you told your momma you loved her? When was the last time you gave your dad any time of day. They aren't here forever.

In memory of one of the most genuine souls, my7th grade crush, great friend, and all around amazing man. Daniel, you are forever missed.

<3
Steph